


Is This the Real Life?

by amuhseen



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Irondad-centric, Peter-centric, no powers au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-26 16:07:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20744960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amuhseen/pseuds/amuhseen
Summary: This is going to be a place where I just dump my headcanons, oneshots or drabbles for a bunch of Avengers AUs that I will most likely never write.





	1. MALL AU - HEADCANONS

**Peter Parker: too young to actually work**

  * His Aunt May and him were the last people to join the 'Mallfam' as Clint, Sam and Scott dub
  * His parents died when he was six due to a plane crash so his father's brother, Benjamin, and his wife, May, took him in
  * After Ben died due to a fatal bullet wound when Peter was fourteen May had to earn more to provide for the two of them so she quit her part time job and used her 'rainy day savings' to rent out an empty shop in the 'Marvel Mall', which is owned by a nice man called Stan Lee, and set up a seamstress business
  * He met Tony Stark when the man needed his Aunt to repair a tear in one of his suit jackets. Whilst the mechanic was waiting for her to finish he saw the young brunet sitting behind a counter reading a physics book as he put together an old computer
  * After a bit of small talk (with Peter geeking out about how he is talking to Tony freakin Stark and Tony trying not to coo at the adorable science nerd) the man invited him to his workshop ("I can assure you kid, it totally beats dumpster diving") and the rest is history
  * Sooner or later he got to know the rest of the 'Mallfam' who have immediately adopted him as the baby of the group and help him out with homework or other stuff
  * (They all attend his Decathlon competitions and cheer embarrassingly loudly when Midtown wins)
  * His best friends, Ned Leeds and MJ, constantly hang out there after school.
  * (mainly because the store is near the Lego store and sweet shop)
  * There's a bulletin board on the wall dedicated to Civil Rights flyers, Women's Rights posters and environmental awareness leaflets courtesy of MJ
  * He knows how to sew himself and is self-taught in knitting so he occasionally helps his aunt out or does a few odd jobs
  * (During Pride month the store had new rainbow coloured pillows, seat cushions, and curtains)
  * He also likes to hand make gifts (when Tony received a yellow and gold Gryffindor styled scarf for Christmas he proceeded to cry for a few minutes and refused to take it off - even when Spring began)
  * There's a large plastic donation box at the front of the store for customers to place old or worn clothes, which Peter and May fix up before donating to orphanages and homeless shelters
  * The two of them are currently trying to create the biggest patchwork quilt known to man. Most of the squares are made by May and Peter but the rest of the 'fam' along with MJ and Ned

**Tony Stark: Mechanic/ Engineer**

  * He owns Stark Industries, a multi-billion dollar company that produces Starkphones and distributes clean energy.
  * But he wanted to do more to help people so he set up a repair store where he fixes anything and everything for the price of nothing
  * His BFF, Rhodey, comes and helps occasionally.
  * After meeting Peter, he was wrapped around the kid's little finger much faster than he would like to admit
  * (It doesn't help when Rhodey keeps on calling Peter his 'nephew' in private and gave him adoption papers with Peter's name on them as a gag gift)
  * (Tony often wonders if it's bad that he still has those papers carefully kept in a safe in his room)
  * His hidden workshop is basically his second home and only Rhodey and Peter have entered it
  * (Sometimes when SI business gets really bad he likes to play the footage he has of when Peter first entered the workshop. The look of child-like awe and wonder on the kid's face when he's introduced to DUM-E, U, Butterfingers and J.A.R.V.I.S never fails to make him smile)
  * Whenever he's given something to repair he will always upgrade it
  * (One time someone asked him to fix their kettle, it was returned to them with a new touch screen that can also be voice activated, a milk dispenser and a box attached to it with assorted tea bags, coffee beans and hot chocolate powder)
  * Whenever someone new joins the mall he will leave a few thousand lying around with his card

**Steve Rogers: Art Supplies Store**

  * His room mate, Bucky, helps him out in the store often
  * He has a lot of DIY tips for his customers
  * (Bucky complains that their apartment looks more like a hipster's Pinterest board than an actual place where humans live)
  * (He only pretends to be annoyed - he loves it really)
  * He's a man of many talents - from acrylics to pottery to origami
  * He's amazing at colour schemes and aesthetic stuff. His shop is organised in such a satisfying way - all colour schemes and nice
  * (Most of the time people go to him when they need advise for party planning, furniture buying, etc)
  * He always gives Peter and his friends supplies for free when they need stuff for a school project
  * His favourite customer is MJ (not that he'd tell anyone). He really appreciates her passion for equal rights as well as her passion for art. They talk about current issues when they aren't conversing about sketching techniques.
  * (She refuses to accept a discount everytime he offers one)
  * Is definitely the kind of guy has no idea about vine, modern slang, Snapchat, and memes
  * ("I don't get it. What's so funny about a dropped croissant")
  * No one uses dark humour in front of him because he gets really concerned really quickly

**Natasha Romanoff: Beauty Parlour/ Makeup store**

  * Somehow knows everything about everyone
  * (most people think it's because people tend to gossip in salons but it's not?)
  * (how does she know the things she knows)
  * Will always help anyone who needs hiding
  * (like you know that scene in Nick Cage's 'National Treasure' when the counter lady helps the girl hide from her 'ex-husband' behind the counter? Natasha is the counter lady)
  * Is so secretive about everything. No one even knows her birthday, or if her name really is Natasha
  * Can automatically tell if someone is being abused (ie - wearing far too much makeup) and will talk to them
  * (She'll then find away to keep an eye out for them whilst simultaneously scaring the hell out of their abusers and getting them the justice they deserve)
  * Is very talented in combat. When Wanda's shop was held hostage, she came swooping in and kicked those robbers' butts
  * One of her favourite memories is the day Peter asked her to put makeup on him. MJ asked him to sign up for the school talent show with her and she was the only one who knew for a fact that 'Singing in the rain' wasn't exactly the song he was lip syncing to. She has the thank you card and the photograph of him on stage framed in her room.

**Bruce Banner: Botanist/ Pharmacist**

  * Is a very close friend of Tony's
  * They met at a science convention where both of them were giving lectures - Tony about mechanical engineering and Bruce on biochemistry
  * They both get into very heated debates on whether physics, biology or chemistry is more important
  * (After May joined the mall, Tony brought over her nephew to join their 'Science Bro Convos' and to brag about how the kid's interested in physics only for Peter to sheepishly point out that he's planning to major in biochemistry and has read all of Bruce's journals.)
  * (To this day Bruce will forever regret not talking a picture of the look of pure betrayal on his friend's face but he was too busy being overwhelmed at the fact a kid read his papers)
  * Absolutely adores Peter and helps him with his homework
  * The gardening is more of a hobby
  * He just finds it really interesting on how certain plants can affect and improve certain things
  * If you think that he's the guy that only uses the proper scientific name for things then you are correct
  * ('Clint, be careful, you almost crushed my bellis perennises' 'Bruce, they're fricking daisies. Just call them daisies like every other normal human being)
  * He's also got Peter started
  * ('Hey, Mr Barton, can you please pass me the dihydrogen monoxide?' 'I'm sorry, the what?' 'he means water')

**Clint Barton: Tattoo Parlour**

  * He has given all of the adult members of the 'Mallfam' matching tattoos - apart from Bruce, whose scared of needles, and May, who just doesn't like tattoos.
  * Has a tattoo sleeve on his right arm
  * He has his wife and childrens' names written in calligraphy over his heart
  * He has a wall in his parlour that's covered in temporary tattoos because he hates saying no to minors who want some ink
  * On the night of Peter's eighteenth birthday, he snuck them into his store after hours and gave Peter his first tattoo - a spider on the sole of his foot
  * ("Alright, but why a spider?" "Because spiders are cool, Mr Barton they have blue blood""Fair enough")
  * He remembers every tattoo he's ever made. He also remembers the stories that inspired them when his clients tell him
  * (when they get the name of a dead relative permanently inked on their skin, he closes early to go home to his family)

**Thor Odinson: Pet store/ Animal Shelter**

  * His shop is filled with multi coloured birds, exotic fish tanks, cats, dogs, even turtles and snakes
  * He tries to take in as many as he can (especially when they are abused) and gets upset when his shop reaches the limit
  * But don't worry, it's hardly ever too full - he always manages to give a home to at least five animals a day
  * He once tried to bring in horses and goats but he was told lightly by Stan that it would not be possible
  * He has a dog himself - a grey husky called 'Fenrir'
  * His younger brother, Loki, who's currently in college majoring in the arts (both fine and dramatic) volunteers in a nearby stable so he's able (hah that rhymes) to get himself, Peter, Peter's friends, or any of the 'Mallfam's' kids into horse riding sessions
  * There was once an incident where Loki teamed up with Peter, Ned, Shuri and MJ to prank Thor. Ned and Shuri hacked into the CCTV cameras and security systems, as Loki and Peter snuck into the store and replaced all of the snakes with plastic toy snakes (don't worry, Loki safely kept them in his room), covered his counter with green and gold post-it notes, and wrapped his computer, keyboard and other items in pink Rapunzel wrapping paper. MJ was there to provide alibis, warn the team, and provide 'moral support'

**T'challa: Bookstore**

  * His father owns a multi billion dollar research company but he wants to stay out of the spotlight so he runs a book shop until it's time for him to inherit it
  * His teenage sister Shuri comes by to mostly hang out with Peter and his friends
  * He loves it when people come to buy non-fiction knowledge books. He loves learning and teaching others
  * Sells books in many languages
  * Is also fluent in all of those languages

**Sam Wilson: Cafe owner**

  * Makes phenomenal fruit shakes and coffee
  * (he does that really cool coffee art thing when you make shapes with the cream)
  * Knows everyone's favourite beverage of by heart
  * One huge wall of the cafe is just a giant blackboard. He has two boxes of chalk for the kids to draw with
  * (one time he, Steve, Bucky and Peter drew a mural that took up the entire wall. It took them about an hour and the photo he has of the four of them beaming proudly in front of it makes him feel less sad about having to rub it out)
  * (he totally didn't send said photo - as well as various videos of the four of them goofing around - on the group chat with the words 'Your son likes us more than you' directed at Tony)
  * Is super empathetic and good at listening. Like he's studying Psychology so he could be a therapist so he can tell when someone's feeling down. It only takes a concerned look, a soft question of whether the person's feeling alright, and a few on-house cups of coffee later when the two of them are having a deep discussion on the person's personal troubles.
  * He also gives super good advice so y'all should listen to him
  * He also makes spare triple chocolate chip cookies for Peter whenever he needs to restock because those are the kid's favourites and he's secretly a grandma/ mamma bear.

**Scott Lang: Sells food at the mall cinema**

  * Mostly makes pancakes and waffles but he makes AMAZING shakes
  * The place is called 'Simply Succul-ANT' and almost everything is ant/ insect themed
  * (when asked why, he just shrugs and says 'my daughter loves bugs')
  * His best friend Luis runs the cinema ticket booth so he's able to get everyone seats for a new movie super early

**Wanda Maximoff: Jeweller**

  * Runs a jewellery and watch store with her fiancé Jarvis (who everyone calls 'Vis')
  * Vis sells watches and can also fix broken ones
  * Wanda is so good at selling jewellery that most of her friends jokingly say that she has 'witch powers'
  * (the fact that she only shrugs in response to that doesn't help stop them)
  * Can tell a real gem from a fake easily
  * (when she watched Ocean's Eight she scoffed at how she totally would've been able to tell that the Toussaint was a fake from the moment it was pulled from the water)
  * She has given all of her friends a silver necklace with their birth stone clasped onto it.


	2. FBI AU - 59,714

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whose been watching too much Criminal Minds and listening to the James Bond Soundtrack on repeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THE FOLLOWING EVENTS MAY HAVE A VERY SMALL LIKELIHOOD OF ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN REAL LIFE

"So, Mr Peter Parker, I hope you've made yourself comfortable," Tony said casually as he strolled into the interrogation room and sat down on the black plastic chair opposite the teenager.

The brunet in front of him remained silent as he started fiddling with the cuffs of his sweater.

"Not much of a talker are you, kid?" Tony mused, "well to get introductions out of the way, I'm Agent Stark."

Silence met him again as Peter continued to stare pointedly at the table.

"I see you like the department's furniture," the Agent joked, "I've got to say that I agree. Bought them myself. They're much better than those splintered old desks that Fury probably got from a yard sale."

Still nothing.

Tony huffed a sigh before casually tossing the black file he was carrying onto the table. The two of them watched it skid across before he placed his elbows onto the surface on the table and leaned his chin on the back of his clasped hands.

"Alright, kid, I'm gonna reason with you. I don't want you here. You don't want to be here. So just answer my questions and this whole process will be much faster. So tell me," he leaned in closer, "why are you hacking us?"

It really was one of the strangest cases Tony had ever seen and he’d seen the D. B Cooper case.

It all started a few weeks back when the Bureau was chasing down a kidnapper. An Unsub whose current hobby was approaching young girls, who were less than ten and older than six, around a neighbourhood in Queens. The crew spent days trying to find them - watching every second of each surveillance camera, interviewing every single person that they could, picking up the smallest hints they could. But they couldn't find anything, not even a name or MO. It was really taking a toll on everyone and the public were going restless, every single parent was wondering if their daughters would be next, their sons even.

Until one day.

Tony remembered it as clear as ever. He was on his fifth cup of coffee as he was looking over the CCTV camera footage of the public park for the tenth time, hoping to see something he missed, when his screen suddenly glitched. Then something foreign appeared on the monitor. Tony thought it was a virus or some King Pin criminal trying to get in except it wasn't, it was -

He immediately texted the entire bureau: "Guys, you might want to come to the Computer Lab."

Displayed on the monitor was all the information they could ask for: discarded surveillance footage, a home address, an identity.

'Joseph Summers', Caucasian male, 31 years old, recently divorced, eight year old daughter passed away in a car crash, lives in ...

"How can we trust this?" Nat had asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion at the screen, "how can we tell this isn't a Jack the Ripper situation? False info to throw us off? To send us on a wild goose chase whilst they get more victims?"

"But it could also be real," Tony had argued. Someone just hacked into the FBI to give info on a kidnapper. They managed to get past the firewall created by him, Tony Stark. They must mean something if not business. "I say we use it."

"Stark-" Fury began warningly.

"Worst case scenario: we waste the ten minutes that it takes us to get to this location," Tony pointed at the words on the computer, "best case scenario: parents all over New York can rest at night and we send those girls back home."

Turned out the info wasn't a false lead. Tony's not gonna lie, he may have shed a tear or two when they reunited the kidnapped children with their parents. When Nat and Barnes had sat Joseph down for a joint interrogation (something no one would wish on their worst enemy) they found out he knew nothing about the hack.

That wasn't the last time their anonymous little hacker friend helped them out in a case.

The serial killer targeting teenagers in Brooklyn, the drug trafficer and illegal weapons dealer in Washington, the sudden epidemic of teenagers committing suicide by falling from tall buildings in Manhattan - they all got an anonymous tip. Natasha of course was as suspicious as ever.

"How do you even know what their intentions are. For all we know, they could be connected to some crime lord that is using this as a way to distract us."

"Or they could be genuinely trying to help," Tony shot back.

"There's only one way to know for sure," Natasha said, "we need to bring them in and question them. I've already got the go ahead from Fury."

"Why are you telling me this."

"Because Tony," she sighed, "we need you to hack him to get his identity."

"Well, a 'please' would be nice," Tony muttered before turning on his swively chair to face his beloved computer. His fingers immediately began typing a long string of code at the speed of sound. "Trust me, Nat, it's going to take more than a college drop-out sitting in his basement to beat Tony Stark."

But it wasn't a college drop-out. It was a fifteen year old boy. A fifteen year old boy that was obsessed with Star Wars and Lego if his Amazon search history and web browser history were anything to go by. A fifteen year old boy whose worst offense was getting a tardy one morning in eighth grade. A fifteen year old boy who had no business hacking into the FBI. But the more information Tony got on him, the more obvious that this was their guy.

Bruce, their forensic scientist, and Sam, their behavioral and cognitive psychologist and resident Dr Phil, had both expressed audible disapproval at bringing a fifteen year old in cuffs to the most feared agency in America and while Tony agreed that he thought that handcuffs would be a bit much, he seriously wanted to meet this kid. He wanted to ask him what the hell he was doing, hacking into the FBI instead of sneaking out to buy alcohol or whatever it was kids did these days (although Tony highly doubted that the kid would drink. His parents died in a car crash die to a drunk driver and he was currently volunteering at both the animal shelter and the soup kitchen).

So that was how he found himself sitting across a non-handcuffed teenager at 1:00 pm on a Saturday afternoon.

“59,714.”

Tony looked at him in surprise, confused by the youngster’s first words.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“59,714. That’s the amount of crimes that have been committed in New York in 2018 - or at least the crimes that have been reported. You’ll find that around two-thirds of Americans don’t actually report major crimes. Out of those 199 of them are murders, 1136 are rapes, 8011 of them are robberies, 12943 are assault, 7241 are burglaries and 26843 are larceny. You have a job to keep the country safe yet every single citizen lives in fear.”

Tony looked at him, shocked at the passion in the kid’s voice, at the righteous fire in his eyes. It reminded him of when Steve would stand at the podium and give speeches about the dangers of war and hate. He was aware that the entire bureau was watching them behind the one-way glass.

“I get it, you’re the FBI. You only deal with the really big stuff like

but what about all of us everyday people like how In 2017, the nation’s law enforcement agencies reported that there were 8,828 instances of hate crime and there were 1,247,321 violent crimes, about 382.9 offenses per 100,000 inhabitants but the arrest rate for said violent crime was 160.7 per 100,000 inhabitants. That means a lot of people get away.”

Tony regraded him carefully before taking a breath and looking him straight in the eye. “Like I said earlier, we did pull up your file. Your parents were killed by a drunk driver when you were six and your uncle died from a gun shot wound when you were fourteen.” He leaned closer to the boy who stared at him with a brow raised quizzically. “Is that why you do it? Why you help us? You lost your family to crime and don’t want that to happen to anyone else”

Peter took a breath. “Agent Stark, I know it’s probably hard to believe but I just want to be a normal kid. I read books, I build computers, I stay up past 10 o’clock watching Buzzfeed Unsolved videos on YouTube. But you can’t be a normal kid anymore - not in a neighbourhood where crime happens everyday.

It may just be something small to you but it’s not so small when Mrs Sanders’ four and six year old daughters have to see their mother in an ICU because she got shot by someone robbing her newsagent store or when Casey Thomas has to work five extra shifts a week because someone stole a purse that had a month’s salary. New York is my home and if I don’t help people then I’m only part of the problem.”

Tony had a thoughtful look on his face, “So you wanna look out for the little guy? You wanna do your part? Make the world a better place, all that, right?

“Yeah. Yeah just looking out . . . for the little guy. That's--that's what it is.”

The older man paused before slowly standing up.

“Give me a minute, would you kid.”

Peter just raised an eyebrow, “I’m sitting in the most secure place in America filled with armed people twice my age who have had years of training. I highly doubt I’ll be able to make a getaway.”

Tony just smirked as he left the room.

“I think we could use him,” he said to the team, who were watching the entire exchange behind the one way glass.

“Stark, have you lost your mind!?” Fury shouted as Natasha looked sceptical.

“Probably,” he shrugged.

“I think Tony’s right,” Steve said, “he clearly wants to help and it would be better if he helped us in a place we could see him than have him do it by himself.”

“He’s still a teenager,” Nat argued, “we don’t know anything about what he’s like.”

“We know that he wants to do the right thing,” Sam said, “Trust me, I can tell when people are lying and that kid wasn’t lying.”

“Yes,” Fury drawled, “emphasis on kid.”

“Fury, please,” Tony said, “I promise if you give him a chance, I’ll take full responsibility for him.”

They all looked at their unit chief.

Fury sighed, “Alright, Stark. If he messes up, it’s on you.”

...

Peter looked up as the door opened to reveal Tony and another red-haired agent.

Tony grinned as he walked up to the table held out a hand to him.

“Peter Parker, I would like to personally invite you to be a member of the FBI.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I got my crime stats from the NYPD website and the two thirds stat from the New York Times


End file.
